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An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less until she knows absolutely everything about nothing...

The government promised me a stimulus package... instead I got a raft of measures.

A woman turned me down for a date... I had to explain I wanted to have dinner with her - not having her for dinner.

"My passport photo does not do me justice." "You don't need justice - you need mercy!"

French people do not like fast food. They eat snails instead.

"I can't find what's wrong with you - must be the drinking or something..." "I'm sorry to hear that doc, what about if I come back when you're sober?"

The drought forced a farmer to turn his field into an auto-parts junkyard. From that time on every year was a bumper crop.

What do you call a lump of metal, wiggling at the bottom of the sea? A nervous wreck.

If God is watching us... we'd better be entertaining...

If you're feeling unwanted or insignificant... try missing a couple of mortgage repayments.

I told my shrink I thought I was a dog At my next appointment he wouldn't let me up on the couch.

I never drink coffee at work I toss and turn at my desk all day.

A divorce lawyer put on his sign Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back.

Marriage is the way to stop people fighting with strangers. Divorce is the way to get custody of your sanity.

I've been sacked from every job I've ever had At least you can't call me a quitter.

He's not a complete idiot ...some parts are missing.

My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive. I have mixed feelings about that...

I've got an inferiority complex. But I say it's not a very good one...

He never treats a woman like an object. But occasionally he treats an object like a woman.

The magic hasn't gone out of our marriage. He still disappears every few weeks...

Ours was a mixed marriage. She was perfect and I wasn't...

My ex-wife said she wanted to dance on my grave. So I arranged for a burial at sea.

She said she was sick of me. Undeterred I bought her a get well card.

She was so nervous on our blind date. When I picked her up she put the seatbelt around her knees.

I had a terrible nightmare. I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone.

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