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The ready supply of private health insurance has fuelled a whole pseudo-medical industry bent on making a quid out of patients whether they are sick or not.

There is no shortage of new inventions: after the hip replacement (very hip!) you can go for the knee replacement, the bionic ear, the pacemaker or the colostomy bag.

You are bound to meet new monsters at a hospital near you. Dr Frankenstein and his associates are working overtime to maim the human race of whatever dignity we have left.

If inserting foreign objects inside the human body is not repulsive enough you can still apply for endoscopy with live video monitor to see under sedation how things are going inside your guts...

What about pre-screening? Marketing studies demand that we plan ahead to create enough sick people to keep our medical profession gainfully employed in years to come. The fear of prostrate or breast cancer is a great scare tactic. An inconclusive diagnosis calls for more tests which of course mean more income for the people who make those tests. A conflict of interest if there was ever one.

"I thought there was a shortage of nurses in hospitals?" No, that only applies to public hospitals. In private hospitals you can ask (and pay) for a private room where nurses wear revealing outfits. (It increases the recovery rate in males I am told but also the incidence of heart failure for some unknown reason...)

Market studies have found that as people live longer there is a growing population of geriatrics consumers that euthanasia would seek to eliminate.

People get plenty of time in retirement homes to ponder on our reason for living on earth and how to prepare for a second, third or fourth life in outer space.

The incidence of mental illness is on the rise as this secret is not so well kept and the working classes discover to their horror the bleak future that awaits them.

As the birth rate drops to an abysmal low there won't be enough taxpayers in the future to fund this looming medical bill. So governments open wide the doors of immigration hoping enough people will agree that the grass is greener on our side of the fence.

If you follow the money trail you will find that dentists are the major shareholders in candy manufacturers, neurosurgeons in mobile phones, pulmonologists in cigarettes, toxicologists in peanut butter and orthopedic practitioners in sports sponsorships.

Nevertheless there are many dedicated doctors who put their patients welfare ahead of their own interest. How can you spot them? Simple: Make a dash to the reserved car spaces where physicians have their name plate. If you spot a regular vehicle rather than the lastest flashy whiz-bang luxury model then you will feel more confident in submitting to that scalpel.

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